I'm a Psychology major at NUS... tsk, please don't ask me to read your mind.. That's not what we do.
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Sunday, October 01, 2006
I would like to share something that I've understood from my cognitive psychology class - ironic process of mental control.
Sometimes we keep thinking of the same thing even if we do not wish to. Studies have shown that thought suppression may actually lead to continued expression. (E.g. if I would like for you not to think about a white bear; think about anything but a white bear. You will find it very hard not to think about a white bear.) However, such ironic process of mental control will only show up if you're under stress. In fact, the more you try to think of something else (say, y) to distract your attention (from x), the chances that this very thing (y) may become a retrieval cue to think about x. Yup, that's how ironic our mental control can be. Haha, enough of me trying to sound like I know my stuff.. But it's true, really.
Here's the advice: To get over a relationship, get rid of all possible retrieval cues associated with the person you are trying to forget. Yes, what you have seen in dramas - people throwing away stuff that their ex gave them - works=) In the event that you are trying to distract youself from thoughts about the person, try thinking about different things each time, so the chances of it being associated as a retrieval cue are limited. In fact, I remembered my prof saying that it would be better for thought expression rather than supression under such circumstances... Think as much as you want. Soon, you will get over it. Hmm, don't know how true this is...
Anyway, here's the main point - a note to my dear friend. Most of the time, matters of the heart are pretty tricky, and there isn't an ideal to compare them with. It isn't as straightforward to step into a relationship before knowing what to expect. Once you're in it, it isn't as easy to see things objectively, even if you want to. And once you're out of it, it isn't easy to put things down, even if the other person may not be the ideal one, cos the emotional attachment is hard to deny.
Before stepping into a relationship, we all have an ideal representation of what a relationship should be. Some of us may not even have an ideal, constantly searching for what "love" means to them. However, there is nothing wrong with that, precisely because there isn't a model of an ideal relationship that can fit all of us. "Love" is just an abstract concept As soon as we step into a relationship, we tend to compare, with previous relationships or with what others have been thru. Every relationship is unique and comparisons can't be made objectively. While it is human nature to compare, we should not be too affected by the outcomes of the comparisons made. Keep this in mind.
Never mind how long each relationship lasts. Never mind how others will see you. Never mind if the ball is not in your court to make things work. Never mind how to get over it or how long it will take for you to get over it. Never mind about not being able to put it behind you. Never mind about who's going to move on first. These are not important. Some things aren't within our control and we may be worrying unnecessarily. Know what you value most in a relationship. Know what you expect out of a relationship. Know yourself thoroughly. If you need to worry about these along the way, then it is best to trash things out before moving ahead. If it is so unfortunate that a separation ensue, then give each other some time, or simply pack up and move on. Each relationship has a lesson to be learnt, so tell yourself what you've learnt and make a mental note of it.
Not everyone is lucky to find THE one at the very first try. So dun lose hope and dun be afraid to find a better one. Whatever happens in the future, you friends will always be there for you.
hiyee.. thought provoking post... u sound like u know your stuff... i totally can identify with ur y & x theory. ha. thx for always lending me a listening ear. m
