music is life
every song comes to an end but there's no reason not to enjoy the music
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Saturday, September 23, 2006
Well, it has been 3 weeks since I've blogged.. Have been really busy, that's why. I have no idea why this semester passes so quickly (I'm not the only one feeling this); before I know it, the mid-sem break has just begun. What the. Especially when my life is going in all directions now and I can't seem to keep track of it, or rather, I refuse to face it.
After screwing up one test and one critique this week, I think I really need to do some reflection. School work isn't heading in the direction that I had wanted for myself. I need to catch up on my readings & ponder on what I should write for my papers. 4 more to go=( No more procrastination. Writing a paper in 2 nights did not work for me and I seriously dun like to depend on caffeine. Makes me super uptight cos I'll be physically tired but mentally awake. Hopefully, I will get to spend the whole of my mid-sem break focusing on getting work sorted out=)
Oh, talking about my critique paper, the past 2 days were the worst two days I've ever had throughout the whole of my student life in uni. I started writing my paper on Wednesday but it didn't get anywhere cos I was too tired aft 4 hours of tuition. Then come Thursday. Chengwei offered to get me coffee from Business cos she said that it was good. That was really nice of her and I really needed it to keep me awake for the boring engin lesson. I was really looking forward to trying the coffee, and what do you get when white shirt meets coffee? Yes, coffee stain! I spilled the coffee, a whole lot of it, on my white shirt! I realised that I didn't close the cap tight enough. Damn it. But well, it did kept me awake throughout the whole lesson even though I didn't had a single drop of it. Practically pissed with myself throughout the lesson. And you know what, I had a premonition that it would happen cos as soon as I agreed the coffee offer, something popped into my mind - what if I spill coffee on my white shirt? I shrugged it off and reminded myself to be careful. Well, apparently it didn't set in my head=( wtf. I swear off drinking coffee in class anymore.
That very night, after changing into a clean tee (dun ask me where I got the tee..), I had been elected into the executive committee for the psychology society (NUS Psyche). I was still unsure if that is what I want and I'm starting to have second thoughts about it. But what can I do now? Seems like there is no way I could back out without causing a strain on the few friendships I have in arts. Well, I'll just have to take things as they come along. At the most, I'll have to sacrifice other things in my life, like tuition=(
Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be a full-time student.. Like studying and taking part in activities that I'm interested in. No tuitions to worry about. No need to rush off after lessons just to start my first tuition on time so that it doesn't push back my next tuition. No need to adjust my schedule again and again. No more taking cabs so that I can reach my student's place on time. I think it will be great. But of course, that would mean that I'll have less cash to spend on. That pretty much sucks cos shopping is the only way to make me feel good amidst all the stress. Shopping therapy works for me=) No shopping=not happy. Too much time spent on tuition=not happy too. Sigh. I need to find a balance. SOON.
Monday, September 04, 2006
Ok, I'm blogging again cos I'm feeling damn damn damn stressed now. !$!#$@%$#^%$ The day started out well but didn't end so well. I am depressed by my helplessness in teaching my student tonight. wtf. I feel that I'm a sucky tutor, and that makes my question myself if I am certain that I want to teach upon graduation. While some women experience pre-natal depression, I seem to be having pre-career depression=( I can't handle my students now, so how can I handle a class full of students in the future?I just wondered: maybe my expectations of myself have been set at an unattainable level right from the start. I have never asked my friends what are their objectives of tutoring. Is it for the stable income? Is it for the passion to teach? For me, it is both. I want to help my students understand their material and hopefully teach them the skills to study under the local education system. If it works for me, it may be useful to them too. But my passion to teach has been faltering so much that I feel like giving up this whole tutoring business. After all, I am a full-time student so my main job is to study, study, study. Not to forget that I now have to account to people other than myself, and I can't afford to do badly. It spells super duper high STRESS when people around you have high expectations of you. Fail and you are doomed.I would love to just focus on being a tutor, teaching my students whenever they need help and not merely spoonfeeding them with all the answers and teaching through topic after topic like they can't self-study. But this is not possible. Sometimes I feel that the teachers of my students aren't doing their jobs well enough, such that I ended up having to teach and re-teach my students the stuff they might have learnt in class, all at the expense of not being able to practice more questions. Often I would face with the dilemma of practising questions so that they will be more prepared for the exams OR to go through the topics in depth and heck care the assessments. Even as a home tutor, we are often faced with improving grades against educating and cultivating a learning spirit in our students. I can't imagine the stress that I have to face when I will be thrust into several classes of kids. I cringe at the idea of multiplying this by a few dozen times~Right now, I wish I can talk to people who would lend a listening ear. I do not need advice because I wouldn't want the responsibility of solving my problems to land on my friends. I know they all have enough problems to fret about. But I can't talk cos I don't know how to. People often confide in me but I simply can't reciprocate in they same way; I can't confide in others. Which is why I write here... my only way of expression.
Saturday, September 02, 2006
The hell week had just ended. Finally.
The last 24 hours have been especially gruelling=( Stayed in sch on Thurs till 9 plus for a meeting, waking up at 6.30am on fri to go to sch even though it was my free day (!) cos I had to man the Yellow Ribbon Project (YRP) Booth at Arts. The YRP forum-cum-concert last night was the finale for the entire project. While I was a tad disappointed with the slightly-more-than-half turnout for the concert, I was quite surprised that NUS students actually took the time to come down for the concert. Applaud. Regardless of whether they were supporting their friends who were organising the event or out of concern for the issues faced by ex-offenders, I appreciated their support. Frankly, if I had not known any friends organising the YRP or any other event for that matter, I would not have taken the time to attend such stuff, especially when it was held till about 9.15pm on a Friday=( I could have done more "constructive" things for myself like getting down to my first readings, having proper meals, etc. But I think it is a worthy cause and I am glad that I had volunteered for it. Had so much fun with the people in NVAC and of course, my writing-cum-DnD kakis - Kok Leong and Angela. We had so much fun last night that we must have made much noise backstage. Haha. But it was cool. Love working with them. Looking forward to my next project with them=)Oh, I have finally met my primary school friend. After chatting for so long online, we finally met up=) Really great to finally match a face to it. Haha. A little weird but kinda cool to see someone after 10 years. She's more havoc than me lor... Purple highlighted hair. Almost couldn't recognise her. Haha. How could I have missed her at the booth yesterday when she's so prominent? Hope her impression of me did not falter after seeing me in such a "lang bei" state of extreme busy-ness.
Back to last night. I went for the NUSPsyche Prep camp for students who are interested in running for the inaugural committee. It ended this morning at 7am. I seriously think I am getting old. Can't really take this kind of 24-hour non-stop work anymore. And I hate to stay overnight when I don't get to wash up=( In all, we played 3 games. The first game involved all of us reading the headlines and fine prints of the newspapers (all sections) to answer 93(!) questions in the middle of the track in SRC. Not so easy though. We could only use the light from our handphones and only 3 phones were allowed. And each half hour or something like that (can't remember cos I was too tired..), they would remove a person from each group, and eventually the finally person remaining had to complete the questions alone. Stupidly, we did not ask if we could shift to somewhere with better light source, like the grandstand, which we did move to eventually. And we all went back to help the last person despite the rules. Team spirit. Can you imagine reading the Straits Times for almost 3 hours and searching for every corner that might provide a clue to the answers? I thought the game was fun. Did you know that Classifieds had fast facts like what kind of food can help prevent memory loss? Or that you can find Dilbert comic strip in Recruit section? Or that SKII can turn an old woman into a young lady, or something to that extent? Haha, all the useless facts. But it was all cool I think.
The second game was much more interesting. We had to form a triangle, 3 squares, and NUSPsyche (in proportion - Caps and small caps) using colour ice-cream sticks. The twist to this game is that each group member was given a rule each, like blue and red sticks cannot be in the same shape or word, all shapes/words have to have at least 3 colours, brown stick has to be above all other colours, certain colour can't be crossed with other colours, etc. You get the idea. We had to communicate to the person forming the shapes/word in any way other than verbally. Here's our final formation
The last game was prisoners' dilemma. Not worth mentioning cos I couldn't figure out the purpose of the game. Let's just say that the game deviated so much from the original that there wasn't any dilemma to begin with.
The 24-hour mad rush ended with a piping hot McDonalds' breakfast at Engine. Finally back home.
I am still unsure if I want to run for a position on the committee. The people who are running are rather fun and I've worked with some of them on a stats project last sem. But it seemed to me that there was something lacking. I did not have much to talk to them about. Primarily because they have already bonded over the last year as well as during the psychology freshmen camp. It felt dominated with more elements of a working relationship than friendship. I can foresee myself working with them on projects but I cannot foresee myself being able to fit into the crowd. Simply put, we are just on different frequencies. This made me realised something about myself - I think the point when people become my friends is when we can crap about anything, and I can open up to you. It takes years for some. A few weeks for others. Actually it depends on my general mood during the friend-making stage. It is very clear when I start to poke fun at you. Haha. When I am being nice and polite, then I'm sorry, you are not my friend yet, and it seems to be hard to cross that hurdle once it has been set up. It is just like a glass screen being place in between us right from the start.Ok, long enough post. I need to get some sleep again. Seems like I will be sleeping the whole day... When can I ever get down to start on my readings??????
