entries
Friday, December 30, 2005
What a way to end the year.
He's finally back. 3 years in all. He's aged. But me too.
Today began with apprehension & anticipation. Ended the same way. I'm not siding anyone anymore. Is this just the beginning or the end? For the better or for the worst? But one thing's for sure, things will never be the same again. Ever ever again.
Staying at home has just begun to be a torture. I'll never know what's going to happen. Calls to check if she's coming back. Staying out every night. Drinking, i've heard. This is not going to help. Though sometimes avoidance seems to be the best way to face the situation, it's not going to last long. What should i do? With no one to turn to... I hope i can tell her i'm always on her side but the words doesn't seem to come thru.. She needs all the support i can give her now but i just.. can't.. just can't.
The endless "stories", questions & comments are keeping me spinning. I wish i could get a breather now. Even typing this feels so secretive. My space, my tv, my life has just been invaded by not-so-familiar-familiarity. ironic isn't it?
Now, my world seems to be crumbling down. In every aspect of my life. I can't even sing now. The feeling sucks. Terribly. And i hate it.
No one can help. I dun ask for help. So i just dun care. Hopefully time will swiftly pass that i won't feel the pain so acutely.
Which is why i dun want to grow up. I dun want to be an adult. I dun want to face the problems of adults. Cos i deserve at least some youthfulness while i can. The start of adulthood spells too much trouble for me.
End of the year seems like end of the world.
Tuesday, December 27, 2005
He's coming back. The peace that we have had will never be the same again.
I dunno what will happen when he comes back. Will everything be alright? Will things gonna be the same, ever again?
How am i going to face him? How am i going to face her? Whose side would i be on?
Argh.How i wish i'm not an adult. Then i wouldn't have to bother myself with so many problems.
Can i choose not to be involved? Feign ignorance? No way. But... I'm tired. I've lost all the energy to think anymore..
I've tried hard not to think. But the day is drawing closer. I wish i do not have to face all these.
Friday, December 23, 2005
Phew, the last caroling session for shaca is finally over... Not that i dun like caroling, but i think i've had an overdose of it... anyway, over the last few caroling sessions at Millenia Walk, Candem & Paragon, i think shaca has grown much closer... us juniors had more interaction with the seniors, which is really great... Wonder when we will all get to sing again... Esp with Weijin, ZQ & Del going to SEP soon, it feels like shaca will be down in strength=( It has been so much fun practising together & stuff, even though i had to travel down to hall every other night for prac... but i guess it was all worthwhile=)
Dunno why but i felt so much at ease singing @ white sands today, though everything was so last min... haha.. but we are all damn 'zai' ppl rite? haha..
We then went over to dan's place for our supposedly CG13/01 christmas dinner... but only 7 of us turned up - me, dan, huixin, ying, alvin & mark... quite pathetic... but i muz say we had alot of fun... we had so much food that we couldn't finish.. btw, dan's mum's potato salad is really gd.. yummy=U anyway, it was a cosy dinner with alot of "redundant small talks"... haha.. it all started with dan.. YET AGAIN... well done.. haha... dan was the "no brainer of the day" lor... haha... "u give tuition or pple give you tuition?" duh? "some chicken got bigger right wing than left wing".. "my right arm bigger than my left arm"... yes, we GET IT, dan. & everyone else started making redundant speeches too..
In the end, we left 1&1/2 cakes (blueberry cheesecake & a hazelnut log cake) at dan's place before we left for
Chronicles of Narnia... great movie. thumbs up! Feels like reading the novel liao...
(sidetrack: dunno why i always hear creaking sounds in my room... guess my wall panel is falling apart... damn... gotta fix it before my entire wall crashes down on me...)
*sigh*
jitters. 10 more hrs to the release of results.. dun dare to check. errrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
As we all go online now, all of us had these nicks:
xin: hey k.m.c.a.b, no love lehz
dan: wallau some ppl damn no love hor! rite not kmcab?
me: where is the love, kmcab? huh?
mark: kmcab, no love lor
so damn funny... haha... (btw, kmcab = kim mo chao ah beng (hokkein))
it's our little 'tribute' to he-who-we-shall-not-name for 'panseh-ing' our 5 yr friendship for, guess what, SEPAK TRAINING!!!! wa lau, so no love lor... haha...
Think he muz be fuming right now.. haha.
Monday, December 19, 2005
I juz did a Type D personality Test featured in ST today and i scored high on both Negative Affective & Social Inhibition Scales, meaning that i qualify for Type D personality - D for distress!
Sucks.
The following article also stated that one form of therapy that promises stress relief is
laughter therapy.
Do you know... The first documented case of laughter therapy was in 1964, when researchers found that 15 minutes of hard laughter could produce two hours of pain-free sleep. Laughter triggers the release of endorphins - the body's natural painkillers.
Laugh more, people=) Hahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahaha... ok, i'm being lame=p
Anyway, had a great time today... tiring though; accompanied robin to shop for gifts for his friends.. It feels great to see robin, Jaida & the rest from 39. The post to 39 was the worst thing that could happen to me in NS but i'm glad that i had made many good friends in there. Robin's one of them. Hmm... If i'm not wrong, we hit it off 'cos of our love for singing..
Robin's back from UWA for 3 months... what a long break... *envy*... He still looks the same, juz a bit more "muscular"... haha... & i NEVER had the chance to miss him cos he keeps calling me all the way from Aus... Haha.. Thanks bro! it's really nice of him to regard me as one of his close friends though we have only known each other for only a year (considering i take YEARS to warm up to my friends...) haha...
Really nice meeting up with him... he's still as
diva-fied as ever... haha...
We agreed to meet up for ktv session soon... haha... looking forward to it man.. should be fun=)
Somehow, my apetitite seems really lousy today... *sigh*... my weight-gaining plan doesn't seem to work.. *sigh*
Never mind, i shall start in '06... erm, ya, hopefully... aim: 55kg by next June.
Hmm... Seems like mission impossible.
Newspaper Clipping....Dec 18, 2005
Eye for a guyGaze into someone's eyes for three minutes - no talking, please - and you may just find yourself falling in love By June Cheong
SAN Francisco-born Michael Ellsberg got tired of trotting out the surface details of his life to strangers he met in bars and clubs in New York after he moved there.
So the 28-year-old bachelor decided to throw out the social niceties of first dates like small talk, and created a new way of dating - eye-gazing parties.
Like speed dating but without the polite chit-chat, singles in eye-gazing parties sit across one another and look into their partners' eyes for three minutes.
After three minutes of silent gazing, they switch partners and begin looking into another person's eyes anew.
Each eye-gazing session lasts 30 minutes and the singles lock eyes with at least 10 others in one go.
In a recent phone interview with LifeStyle from New York, Mr Ellsberg says the concept of eye-gazing parties was inspired by the salsa dance.
The freelance book editor and part-time salsa instructor explains: 'I realised that if you lock eyes with your salsa partner, it raises the energy level of the dance.
'I felt like I had a deep interaction with another person in a brief amount of time.'
He adds: 'Then it suddenly clicked: You can meet a special someone through eye contact.'
To test the efficacy of eye gazing in a social context, he hit the streets of New York.
For three days, he looked into the eyes of random passers-by - men and women - and found most people willing to have a quick eye-to-eye connection.
'It's not staring. You're looking into another person's eyes for just long enough to be able to determine eye colour.
'After that experiment, I wanted to create a space where meaningful eye contact can happen without aggression or hostility,' he says.
And so the inaugural eye-gazing party was held at a bar in the East Village in New York two Wednesdays ago.
It attracted 26 single men and women, all of whom were professionals in their late 20s and early 30s.
Lest you think eye contact is nothing but a natural though perfunctory way of communicating, Professor James Laird of Clark University in Massachusetts, 68, explains the apparent connection between eye contact and romantic interest.
He specialises in a field of psychology that explores the origins of human feelings.
In an e-mail interview, he says: 'Our feelings are perceptions of our ongoing bodily reactions.
'Mutual gazing is a behaviour that people do only with romantic partners.'
He adds: 'Sharing your gaze in an experiment is acting like you are romantically attracted to someone so you end up feeling that way.'
For detractors who feel eye gazing is a pale substitute for conversation when it comes to getting to know someone, Mr Ellsberg says: 'After the party, people told me eye-gazing got them into a heightened state of awareness as if they were hypnotised by the other person's gaze.
'It's such an icebreaker. People were more bonded after that and conversations were a lot deeper.'
Love at first sight, anyone?
Sunday, December 18, 2005
Had a super long day today... Went to mam's house for her newborn celebration with Qiwei, CF, Noel, SC & Wong... Nice meeting up with all of them again... All still looks the same, erm, except SC... haha... he looks... erm... horizontally-challenged now... haha... glad that everyone is doing fine. Juz found out today that Noel has got a bike license & a new bike- phantom. Was damn shock lor... somehow i never expect him to get a bike license... not very him i suppose. Haha... he looks funny riding a bike... wonder if it's becos of his height... haha..
Log branch is meeting up again on 27th.. for dinner@ seoul garden... Looking forward to seeing everyone again=)
After we left mam's place, i had to rush over to tanah merah from woodlands! The bus journey back to tampines was freaking long.. i fell asleep and was sms-ing while drifting in & out of sleep.. hope my messeges did make sense;p Din manage to reach tanah merah in time to meet WX & gang @ 6.30pm... ^sigh^ i had to go to siglap centre on my own=( When i finally found the place with the "helpful"directions from WX, the "star" of the nite wasn't there yet... phew.. Rachel, the birthday girl ('mary' - we called ourselves bloody mary yeo.. ?! dunno how tat came about except that we both have the same surname... haha), was surprised when she saw us there... Hers truly (jeffrey) planned this 21st birthday surprise party for her.. so sweet.. dunno if she already guessed that we were going to be there & juz played along with us... haha.. Anyway, Jeff bought her a laptop! So sweet of him... As for us, we have yet to get her anything cos she haven gone out with HL to BUY her own present(s)... Tat's our style, by the way... Although there are no present surprises in our gang, but at least we will surely get something that we want..
Though it hadn't been long since we last met, probably 1-2 wks, it still feels really great meeting up with my dear friends... 8 years already?... hmm.. glad that our friendship is still going strong=)
It has been a tiring but heartwarming day nonetheless... except for the rain.
Tuesday, December 13, 2005
Damn tired. Have been going back to hall for carolling practices for the past 2 days. Travelling 3 hrs (to & back) juz for a 3 hr practice... how i wish i had 1) stayed in hall or... 2) not agreed to join carolling.. but den again, i would have nothing to do if i had not agree to go for carolling... but practices have been fun so far... shaca has never had so many ppl coming for practices, ever since i joined... muz be the seniors' presence=) woa...
Juz came back home & i went to check my mail... have been waiting for a reply from IRO.. finally got it. Yeah... hope wed's interview will go smoothly... hope i dun screw things up as usual=p
I've been watching this korean drama
Love Story in Havard. The female lead is damn
chio lor... haha... bernard (the no. 1 fan (kind of) of vivian hsu) agrees with me... she looks freaking like Vivian Hsu... hmm.. anyway, i luv the show.. it kinda rekindles my faith in love... my lost faith.. I once told xin that i intend to remain single forever and i was damn adamnant about it.. but after watching the show, i juz feel that being loved and to love someone is such a fortunate thing... makes me wanna fall in love too. But i'll juz leave things to fate. I'm a little passive when it comes to relationships, not that i've had but i juz know i'll be... unless, it's THE person, den maybe... maybe things will be different. I'll never know... But i'm still kinda skeptical about the thing called love. Is there really something that distinguishes
love from love? Wat is it then? Doesn't the stage of wooing makes everything so fake... cos ppl always juz want to show their better side of themselves to their would-be partners and in the event of doing so, won't it undermines the entire process of getting to know each other more in depth? Would friends-turn-lovers be better than going straight into the "wooing" stage? hmm...
Anyway, can't wait to watch the next episode.. tink the female lead has some terminal disease (the korean style... love till death... so expected) and she's dying (what!?).. how i wish i will encounter such a ke(4) gu(3) ming(2) xing(1) de ai(4) qing(2)...
You juz never know when you'll get it.
Saturday, December 10, 2005
Ever since the EXAMS ended, yes, the DREADFUL exams, i've been lazing around at home, not even stepping out of my house for meals.. Living the life of an emperor... haha... nothing of the sorts, but close... haha...
'Was watching this rerun programme hosted by Maltilda Tao, featuring Gigi Leung, and there was this thing Gigi said about happiness which i thought was rather true. When asked what happiness means to her, she replied
"Know yourself. Accept yourself."It just struck a chord in me. Really. More often than not, we don't really know ourselves, no matter how certain you are. Cos our perceptions of ourselves are tainted by the perceptions of the world surrounding us.
We see others and whatever that we feel are right about others, we would want them on us. Sometimes overshadowing our TRUE selves. Don't you think so???
None of us want to see the ugly side of ourselves i suppose. Me inclusive. Never. But not everyone is conscious about it. For that, i'm extremely conscious about it, but very often, it just gets beyond control. Sometimes it feels like my soul jumping out to look at myself (erk, sounds like i'm always half-dead...). How you ever thought what it would be like standing at a corner watching yourself? How disgusted by your very own actions? I dunno if it's a bad thing to be overly self-conscious but i doubt i'll change this "habit"(?) of mine. Somehow, it makes me feel like a star in my own world... Reporters, PLEASE, dun write any gossips or rumours about me.. haha..
of course i dun FEEL that way.. i just prefer to keep my personal life low-key... haha... not as if any cares. but i do anyway.
Ok, back on track. Ya, knowing yourself and accepting yourself. Each of us have our own limits. Some venture to go beyond their limits, at all expenses. Some stopped at their "max". Which should we heed? Is there a fixed rule about it? Is it subject to the scenario?
If venturing beyond your limits is expending much of your resoucres that you are almost drained out of energy by the time your goal is accomplished, would you still go for it?
If stopping at your limit and not venturing further, would you have underestimated your "stretchability" of your limit? Would you have missed out on alot of opportunities?
We may know our limits but not the best way to deal with them. How often do you stop to ponder on this? I bet you would choose of the the ways and stick to them thru'out your life.
As a matter of fact, I'm probably the former. Is it the right way? Of course, philosophically, there isn't a right or wrong answer to this i suppose, but i think it calls for a need to take a 'lil break some day to ponder over the things that have happened in YOUR life.
Knowing yourself. How much do you know about yourself? What kind of personality traits do you have? Can you pinpoint them exactly? Nah. What are the bad personality traits about yourself? Think about them. Are you truthful to yourself? Really, there is no way we can fully comprehend ourselves. We always like to present our best selves to others, and to ourselves. In fact, we become the mirror image of the person we want to be, not who are truely are. Are we slaves of our own selves? Hmm.. sad to say, i think i am.
I think it's beyond control for me. I don't even know who i am. So, for my dear friends who have always tried to understand me. Forget it, i suggest. I can never comprehend myself, what more you... BUT... sometimes, you will get to know more about yourself from your friends... a 3rd person's view, you know? More objective i suppose. But i haven't been fortunate enough to hear from my friends about myself=(
Accept yourself. Knowing your flaws, how much are you willing to accept yourself being, well, yourself? Would you seek to change to match up to the one in the mirror? No matter how much it takes? Every trait in us is due to the interaction between our genes and the enviornment (acting scientific here.. hee), so somehow or other, everything seems possible to be altered, provided we are motivated enough to do so. But is it worth the time, worth the money, worth the hardship? We all have expectations, be it of others, or of ourselves. Do these expectations reflect what we truely want or do they reflect what we want that the society wants of us?
If you are very clear of every single aspects of yourself and you know that what you know about yourself is absolutely true, give yourself a pat. Well done! Mind teaching me how you did that? Haha.. You would then have to accept your true self. Change yourself as you deem fit but do they really make you TRUELY happy? Or are you happy 'cos of how others see you in the new way? I dun mean to say we should not change or what, but we need to strike a balance here.
Everytime you feel happy, is it becos you truely feel happy, from the heart, or becos your expectations of yourself are being met?
Being true to yourself is the essence of finding the TRUE happiness. Isn't it?
Tuesday, December 06, 2005
Ha, finally settled down to start writing=p
The past few months had been one of the best moments i've had... Thanks to my friends (u noe who u are).. Deciding to stay in hall during the 1st sem was something which I desire but not a necessity, even though I live in the east. But the prospect of being around my friends was the main deciding factor. And of course bcos my dear friend who tried all her means to secure a place for me. It's really sweet & I truly appreciate that gesture.
Upon moving into SH, I felt totally lost. I muz say that not attending any orientation camps or the like is simply, bad. I knew no one in there except my jc friends.. I know they had tried really hard getting me involved in hall activities, in meeting more ppl in hall, in engaging more in their conversations, but somehow things din seem to work out as expected. Even till now, I’m sad to admit that I still dun really know many ppl in my blk, what more the entire hall...
Nonetheless, as I moved out of SH last wk, it was hard.. I din bear to leave... All the memories juz flooded my mind as I walked out hall... I missed a lot of things in hall. The suppers. With dan, most of the time... somehow, we are always hungry at midnight.. but it was a gd thing... at least, I tried to put on some weight; dunno if it helps but well, I can never put on enough weight.. glee... den, tat bernard's always complaining of putting on weight!? Hai.. come on, juz do more crunches man... haha.. Mark will join us occasionally and eley too=) Missed the fried rice (with chilli, yum!), chicken naan and black pepper chicken... SO hungry now... growl...
Aca practices were fun too... though I ALWAYS screw up... sigh.. I guess i'm still trying to get used to singing in parts after a long break from choir. The ppl in aca are nice and very welcoming... very talented too.. GLC was really a good experience. Despite several public performance experiences, it was terribly stressful preparing for GLC. I tink it's probably the expectations of ppl in hall and myself... Till now, I still thought I sucked during the performance but ppl were encouraging, which is comforting. I tink I could have done better. Now that I’ve left SH, I wondered if I would ever get the chance to perform for SH again... sad...
Of course, the most memorable times in hall were the late nights when the 5 of us stayed up in eley's rm to chill out & chat.. Xin's birthday, belated MAF... in dan's rm, watching the penguin documentary & doing up the scrap book for eley... In my rm too.. And mugging together thru the night during the exam period.. I muz say that all these times spent together really brought the few of us closer... much closer than we were in jc... huixin even drew up a pic of our future houses (the one with dan drowning... HAHA!).. It’s a wish tat is hard to fulfil but the thought matters.. Really.. I'm so fortunate to have all of u as my friends.
In no particular order:
Thanks to eley for getting me into SH, for keeping me company when I needed it most, for confiding in me when I din give any constructive advice, for jogging with me, for studying with me... for everything u've done. Thank you.
Thanks to huixin for keeping me company, for putting up with all my nonsense, for mugging with me, for having dinner with me.. And everything else. Thank you.
Thanks to dan for being my supper buddy... haha.. for mugging with me, for your company in aca ( I wld have been really lonely if not for u), for ur videos & jay's album... haha... Thanks man!
Thanks to bernard for all the encouragement and for ur effort in trying to get me into ur clique though it din work out, for lending me "full house" vcd (love it man!) and for mugging with me too. Really appreciate it. Thanks brother!
Thanks to mark for making the effort to join all of us in SH, for mugging with us, for shopping for gifts, and for ur presence at the Good Luck Concert. Thank you! 
Bernard, Dan, Me, Huixin & Eley... A pity Mark wasn't around
I feel so long-winded.. haha... but I really really appreciate everything cos these are unlikely to take place again after I moved out, after huixin sets off for Berkeley, after eley graduates.. sad.. how I wish I could let the time halt for a while to let the memories linger abit longer...
